Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I like a boy and I don't think he likes me back

I like a boy and I don't think he likes me back. He hasn't made it plain that he doesn't like me back but I think to a less infatuated eye the signs are clear. First, we are an unlikely match. We're at distinctly different stages of our lives. We're not star-crossed lovers, we're more like two galaxies in crossing. Second, he leaves me sexually frustrated. You guys know how I like to get down. I enjoy a little tete-a-tete on the regular, but from him I just haven't been getting much. Finally, I see him a lot less than I did initially. We talk on the phone often but we don't go out on dates like we once did.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably being let down easy. He wants to be friends.

That's the (obvious) conclusion, but since he hasn't said it explicitly, it's a bit difficult for me to accept. What if I'm wrong? What if he's just really busy? What if it's me; I've sent the wrong signals and I just need to be more expressive of my desire? Yeah, I know, garbage.

The thing is, despite the conclusion I've made, there is a part of me that doesn't want to let go. You know how the story goes, someone rejects you and it makes you want them more. Dr. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist, did a study of your brain in love, from which she decided that love is not an emotion, it's a drive. This drive is much like the motivation to achieve a bomb ass GPA or to get into a good law school. When in love, lust, and infatuation you're brain goes all haywire: you're high on dopamine and scans of your cranium look the same as if you were doing cocaine. Nice. What makes Dr. Ritter so sure? She hooked 49 subjects up to an MRI machine and asked them a series of questions. Her conclusion: love is intoxicating and easily as important to us as our personal success.

Knowing that, I guess sometimes when someone gets to ignoring us, we become even more driven. Add the dopamine effect and it's like driving under the influence. Right now, I guess I'm like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas trying to make meatballs, sniff and deliver blow, and dodge a helicopter at the same time. It's upsetting that I can be of two minds about this. There are the rational conclusions based in evidence and logical thinking, then there's Ray Liotta in the passenger seat destined to fail.

Love, lust, and infatuation are about compatibility and timing which is why it's so hard to find someone and why the one who once rejected you can have feelings for you later. The thing is, sexual energy is often exchanged between two people of the opposite sex who we adore and admire, but they just may not be good for us as boyfriends or girlfriends. With due dilligence we learn that some of the folks we envisioned having babies with better serve our lives as great friends, And while friendship sometimes feels like an awful consolation, we have to remember that the most intense friendships often last longer than the relationships we blow through.

Now, for a move-on mechanism. The fastest way to forget someone is sex (for me). Right now I do want some loving. The season is changing, I'm sleeping in the nude again and I'm wrapped in a high ass thread count. That's the formula for desire, but until the reality of friendship settles in, I'll be masturbating to the sound of his voice in my head.


for more from Helen

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous1/27/2011

    Shit, these things are often so hard to figure. People are unsure and they play it safe, & sometimes they're afraid to let their feelings show. Maybe you shouldn't forget. Perhaps you're right about signals getting crossed/misread/misinterpreted/etc. Shit's confusing, but maybe he doesn't know how you feel?



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