Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tin Man, Tin Can Heart
"When a person shows you who they are believe them,"
...is one of the greatest lines of any song I've ever heard. Its from a song by Jerreau [of Fly Union], called "Less is More." A boy previewed it for me before it was released. He told me that it aptly explicates his history with women. I played the song over and over when I first downloaded, absorbing every lyric in search of its core meaning. Jerreau's rap style in this song is simple, clear, his diction precise. Every word is spoken plainly. Jerreau's "Less is More" is a monologue that finally and honestly sheds light on the male point of view in a relationship. It was like an answer to all the arguments that ended in angry sex. It was like finally having clear communication with a man.
Men are often painted as heartless dogs, and we women are certain that we are absolute victims in any situations involving love and lust, but this song makes me think and re-evaluate how many times a man has given me a proposition at face value and I've rejected the truth for my own wishful thinking.
A boy told me he wanted to be friends. It took me several weeks to realize that things would escalate no further than meeting up at parties and shit. The one who sent this song told me that as a "long distance boo" he wanted to keep things low key and easy, but of course I got jealous and emotional.
My ex-boyfriend warned me about his trust issues. So I made sure to be absolutely trust-worthy. I never cheated and I was always honest with him, even to the point where I'd warn him "I'm leaving you soon if you don't change." The problem was not that he failed to trust me, but that I failed to acknowledge core characteristic. One woman's honesty could not magically erase years of painful dating experiences.
Sometimes we need to take a man's words at face value. If he tells you he gets crazy jealous, there's no reason why he'd be exaggerating such a scary character trait. A man warns you that he loves women... you're probably not his only hoe. A man warns you that he's emotionally distant and always busy, perhaps you should consider if you can handle so little attention. We women need to alter our perspective, stop thinking of ourselves as victims in the dating scene and take some responsibility for the way things are.
I had a heart to heart with hot roommate. He happened upon www.LoveAlise.com, and had things of his own to say (I wrote about him in the previous post). He broke down some of his experiences with women. Crazy shit. Shit I've done. Women who told him he was too nice, for instance. "Women don't know what they want," my little hoodlum explained, I agreed. "They say they want one thing, but when they get it..." he ended there, taking another pull from his exotic weed while he shook his head in dull frustration. Hot roommate is right; sometimes we like to be bossed around, and appreciate a man who's a little mean to us... some more than others. When he told me about the girls who need abuse to know its love, I was glad to know that there are levels of crazy that I have yet to explore.
What he said reminded me of my Father, a sweetheart with a hard-hearted lady of a wife (God rest her soul). Unlike Hot Roommate, my Dad wasn't too jaded to scoop him up a hot young wife later on (and I'm happy for him). I don't know if Hot Roommate will ever be able to unhinge his the rusted tin encased heart. All through my childhood my Dad coached me on dating, how to treat a man blah blah blah. It was obvious to me even as a kid who was most like my mother, he wanted to correct some of those inherited personality traits. He didn't fix them all, of course, especially since I inherited much from him.
Women, it's time we reflect upon our faults. I know, I know, love makes us crazy and irrational. And monthly excursions to the Ruby City make us especially psychotic, but how many times do we deny the function of our left brains? "Huh, huh?" in the words of my Father. My brother once said, "y'all [women] know what to do, its just half the time you go with your emotions instead of using your head. Then you end up feeling stupid." S.B. is right, because I've damn sure had rational conversations with myself that ended in, "but whatever," as I went traipsing behind some undeserving fool.
Now back to this dope ass song: ladies peep the lyrics, and try to recognize areas where we often misunderstand our men - "but all you hear is no" - or when we feel like he doesn't respect us in front of his friends - "When people call you crazy, you make it hard to defend you." I don't know how many times ex-boyfriend and I fought over both those quoted phrases.
I don't know how to fix the dating game, but I think that the best thing one can do is to keep their eyes open [to game], maintain integrity, and hope to eventually find someone who is sensitive, considerate, hard working, and who communicates well. Whether you believe in Karma or the wrath of Jesus Christ, be patient and the right man will find you...let's hope.
Posted by karen alise