Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Tin Man, Tin Can Heart

"When a person shows you who they are believe them," one of the greatest lines of any song I've ever heard. Its from a song by Jerreau [of Fly Union], called "Less is More." A boy previewed it for me before it was released. He told me that it aptly explicates his history with women. I played the song over and over when I first downloaded, absorbing every lyric in search of its core meaning. Jerreau's rap style in this song is simple, clear, his diction precise. Every word is spoken plainly. Jerreau's "Less is More" is a monologue that finally and honestly sheds light on the male point of view in a relationship. It was like an answer to all the arguments that ended in angry sex. It was like finally having clear communication with a man.

Men are often painted as heartless dogs, and we women are certain that we are absolute victims in any situations involving love and lust, but this song makes me think and re-evaluate how many times a man has given me a proposition at face value and I've rejected the truth for my own wishful thinking.

A boy told me he wanted to be friends. It took me several weeks to realize that things would escalate no further than meeting up at parties and shit. The one who sent this song told me that as a "long distance boo" he wanted to keep things low key and easy, but of course I got jealous and emotional.

My ex-boyfriend warned me about his trust issues. So I made sure to be absolutely trust-worthy. I never cheated and I was always honest with him, even to the point where I'd warn him "I'm leaving you soon if you don't change." The problem was not that he failed to trust me, but that I failed to acknowledge core characteristic. One woman's honesty could not magically erase years of painful dating experiences.

Sometimes we need to take a man's words at face value. If he tells you he gets crazy jealous, there's no reason why he'd be exaggerating such a scary character trait. A man warns you that he loves women... you're probably not his only hoe. A man warns you that he's emotionally distant and always busy, perhaps you should consider if you can handle so little attention. We women need to alter our perspective, stop thinking of ourselves as victims in the dating scene and take some responsibility for the way things are.

I had a heart to heart with hot roommate. He happened upon, and had things of his own to say (I wrote about him in the previous post). He broke down some of his experiences with women. Crazy shit. Shit I've done. Women who told him he was too nice, for instance. "Women don't know what they want," my little hoodlum explained, I agreed. "They say they want one thing, but when they get it..." he ended there, taking another pull from his exotic weed while he shook his head in dull frustration. Hot roommate is right; sometimes we like to be bossed around, and appreciate a man who's a little mean to us... some more than others. When he told me about the girls who need abuse to know its love, I was glad to know that there are levels of crazy that I have yet to explore.

What he said reminded me of my Father, a sweetheart with a hard-hearted lady of a wife (God rest her soul). Unlike Hot Roommate, my Dad wasn't too jaded to scoop him up a hot young wife later on (and I'm happy for him). I don't know if Hot Roommate will ever be able to unhinge his the rusted tin encased heart. All through my childhood my Dad coached me on dating, how to treat a man blah blah blah. It was obvious to me even as a kid who was most like my mother, he wanted to correct some of those inherited personality traits. He didn't fix them all, of course, especially since I inherited much from him.

Women, it's time we reflect upon our faults. I know, I know, love makes us crazy and irrational. And monthly excursions to the Ruby City make us especially psychotic, but how many times do we deny the function of our left brains? "Huh, huh?" in the words of my Father. My brother once said, "y'all [women] know what to do, its just half the time you go with your emotions instead of using your head. Then you end up feeling stupid." S.B. is right, because I've damn sure had rational conversations with myself that ended in, "but whatever," as I went traipsing behind some undeserving fool.

Now back to this dope ass song: ladies peep the lyrics, and try to recognize areas where we often misunderstand our men - "but all you hear is no" - or when we feel like he doesn't respect us in front of his friends - "When people call you crazy, you make it hard to defend you." I don't know how many times ex-boyfriend and I fought over both those quoted phrases.

I don't know how to fix the dating game, but I think that the best thing one can do is to keep their eyes open [to game], maintain integrity, and hope to eventually find someone who is sensitive, considerate, hard working, and who communicates well. Whether you believe in Karma or the wrath of Jesus Christ, be patient and the right man will find you...let's hope.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Girls, Girls, Girls

I just finished watching an old classic, Jay-Z's music video for "Girls, Girls, Girls." If you don't remember or perhaps live under a rock, this is the song where Jay-Z explains why he loves women so much and what he can achieve from all of them. He's got girls to cook for him, model girls that look good at parties, girls he gives money to, the project girl who holds him down, etc. He's got a veritable library of women who support and maintain his well-being.

As I watched the video, I go to thinking: what place has monogamy when a man can have a collection of women who fulfill his needs? The benefits of Jay-Z's arrangement in the "Girls..." video is that he has women who serve a multitude of purposes. He'll never go hungry, he went through at least a dozen apartments in that video alone. Knowing women, I bet real live Jigga had hundreds, perhaps thousands of apartments that he could've just run to for anything at that time in his career.

So why did Jay-Z (supposedly) give that all up to be with Beyonce?

Hot roommate, the guy who lives downstairs, is the living embodiment of the video. He has women rolling through at least twice a day. He has a girl who drives him around, another to handle his laundry, a few who cook for him and I don't know what he does with the rest of them. He thought he could get me to wash his dishes once. I gave him the ill screw face. One could say that hot roommate is living it up, especially since he has a closet stocked with designer clothes, shoes, and underwear. He has Versace boxers. He never has to buy a car or get a job as long as he's dicking these girls down. Its the privilege of being pretty when a man or woman doesn't have to pay for anything.

I'd assume that the lifestyle is taxing, because its the constant juggle of a woman's attention. I was hanging with hot roommate once, and I overheard him talking to a woman. She wanted to come visit. She was going to take a cab, but he told her, "I don't feel comfortable with you taking a cab over here. Its late, and its dangerous." Bullshit, I thought to myself. I don't know if the girl believed him, or not. Someone came over soon after I left.

Another guy around the area argued that a woman should take care of her man. He didn't mean good cooking and hot sex - you know the usual womanly duties - he meant like mothering a grown child. I couldn't even argue with him. What he said was too foolish to even entertain, but it got me all heated inside. Do we women have to settle for love? Do we have to babysit adults or ignore infidelity in order to have someone to come home to? How do we find someone who will actually love and deserve us?

There are men who are satisfied by their collection of women. That's their prowess and that's how they measure their worth, their success. Then there are the men who are far more concerned with their future, with financial security and being an anchor to their family. These men take pride in independence, and are more likely to avoid excessive attention from groupies. I want the latter, and when I finally choose, not settle, it'll be a man who compliments my drive and my ethic.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Don't You Say No

Rejection. The last time I got rejected by a boy was in the 3rd grade. I’d chased boys all through elementary school, but by 3rd grade I was exhausted. 4th grade was the first time a boy ever considered me cute. He was way strange, but it was a novel experience, being adored by someone other than Ma and Daddy. One would think that my fourth grade crush would have laid the foundation for sweeping ovations from boys at every moment, but I cowered out and began a single-sex education in 6th grade. I’ve been in all girls schools since.

I was, without pain or ceremony, rejected from more than five colleges. I skimmed the letters for the word “sorry” and promptly tossed them to the garbage, but the idea of having a love unrequited is far more than my little heart can bear. On my own accord, I’m certain that I’m a catch, but if a boy were ever to say no to me, the floodgates of insecurity would outpour. First I’d blame my hideous feet, wonder if perhaps I’d come on too strong, and then assume that I’d played everything all wrong.

I was recently reeling over a rejection: moping at work, listening to one sad song on repeat, and not eating… or rather, eating less. I was nothing short of devastated, till I met my sad little eyes in the mirror. No good, no good. I was whimpering over a boy and ruining my day and my face.

He probably wasn’t right for you anyway, I told myself. I’m a believer in fate, destiny, and appointed time. And not all things go down how we’d like, because either timing or the situation aren’t particularly right. In this instance I resigned myself to the belief that maybe this boy just wasn’t it. Often in crushes we ignore a person’s flaws and trust you me, I was modulating this dude into some kind of angel. With simple re-examination I realized that this guy and I could never work: he’s a good liar, and I’m super gullible.

The problem is that sometimes it’s something other than love or lust that compels us in dating. Sometimes we get competitive, and feel validated or satisfied in achieving the attention of someone we desire. If he doesn’t return our attention we question our beauty, our personalities; we blame our outfit and lament over not chewing a piece of gum before he arrived. However, sometimes we have to look at a failed crush for its positives. Perhaps we were saved from being burned. Perhaps we missed being drafted into a war. Or maybe you’re a dirty bitch who looks like a frog and should avoid flirting with boys till you learn how to shower and walk in those heels you’re rocking. I’m just sayin’…

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

I'm Almost There!

Don't make any sudden movements, and when I say hold it right there, don't be stupid and change anything. That's right, I'm a woman after my orgasm and don't you dare mess that up. You, man, with your fingers, your flickering tongue, and your rock hard penis may try all you can to get me off. You'll get frustrated by my silence, and if you ask me how I like it, my response could very well be "I don't know."

You've got it easy. The male orgasm is a repetitive stroke. Its usually a guarantee that if the combination of moisture and pressure are applied to your genitalia, you're going to bust. But women, like our emotional makeup, is so complicated that not even we completely understand it. Do you know that we orgasm without cumming (sometimes). Then other times we squirt! (Squirting is real). Sometimes you touch us and we don't feel a thing, other times we can just be thinking about you on a train and bust all over our panties. Some of us can't get ourselves off. We need your help. Others can only get themselves off and have to close a session alone with four fingers and a porno.

Do you know how to make a woman violently angry? Disobey her when she says "don't stop" or "keep it right there". You go ahead and stop or move your finger an inch to the left and I she'll learn to hate you. I warn you boys (and random clueless lesbians) the female orgasm is elusive and precious discovery. One is never guaranteed to get it twice. My suggestion is to be very attentive: moans, breathing patterns, sudden silences are all indications of where she is in her orgasm. The best thing to do is remind her to stay calm and show you what she wants.

Friday, July 2, 2010

We're Friends. Hold the Benefits

Friends. Just friends. Why is it that friendship is the consolation prize when it comes to relationships? It’s the bronze medal of dating and it feels like the closest thing to complete rejection, despite the fact that everyone knows the best relationships are between individuals who are fundamentally friends.

A while back a boy and I stopped dating. Though I knew we were romantically incompatible, I felt I couldn’t completely discard the man who was once my closest companion in the whole wide world. Well, he was not a fan of my pleas for friendship, and said he wanted all or nothing. Nothing meaning he wanted to never hear from me again. So we parted ways.

It doesn’t always work out with the people we are dating. You like a boy for his charm, but later find that he makes a better business partner, background vocalist, chem tutor and such. Just as people change, relationships with people are subject to evolution and redefinition. So my question is, can a relationship change? Can we be friends for the better?

The answer is no. Well, yes but only if you’re smart. I was once in a converse situation where a guy handed me a bronze medal of my own. He wanted to be friends without the benefits, whereas before we were benefiting without actually being friends. Initially I was disappointed, because I liked the benefits. I felt that he was friends with my vagina first so it was unfair to just take him away from her like that. But what can you do. Further, I was a bit skeptical of his motive. Was he writing me off. Kindly throwing me in the recycle bin as opposed to the garbage.

I obsessed over the idea for a while, threw my phone at the wall and such, but then my underused left brain eventually kicked in. Friends. Friends! Unless I’m being secretly second-tiered to some main squeeze, friendship is a considerable honor (right?). Taking it back to friendship gives two people the opportunity to authentically learn their compatibility with one another. It could evolve to like, love, or lifelong and continuous friendship. One never knows.

I know. I know. Friendship can be so dissatisfying, because five years of quality time its relatively arduous in comparison to hours of making out and weeks of hot intense other stuff. However, we’ve gotta employ our left brains and get perspective on that thing there called friends (without benefits).

All I'm saying is that if "friendship" was really a diss I'm gonna be so pissed.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Univercity's "Good College Girl"

I met Genesis in college, but apparently he's my cousin. Go figure. He now comprises 50% of the duo "Univercity." The other half is LS (which stands for Lyrical Savage and trust me he spits something stupid).

Anyway their new single is hilarious, a well written breakdown of what it means to be a girl in college. Good College Girl, the song is called about a girl who's straight A student by day and party animal freak by night. How many of us were that girl? And how many of us forewent the straight A part? My favorite part is in the beginning when Genesis recognizes the girl in his class from a party and she looks away embarrassed. That's a typical college moment, seeing someone while sober that you met in an inebriated capacity. Sucks.

Haha anyway, I'll stop blogging while you watch the video. Have fun kids.