Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The Inevitable Ex-Change


The other day I offered to do something nice for this boy I kind of like, but then I freaked out and changed my mind, called my best friend and asked, "is this okay. I'm I giving too much?" In my last relationship I was far too generous for an impossibly selfish man, but I'm typically a generous woman and daughter of an exceptionally generous dad. The people around me are generally appreciative, but in that relationship I had offered far too much of myself to be manipulated and misused.

At that moment I became angry, at the fact that my past relationship had managed to make its way into the present. I have always had the fear of being bitter, jaded, so hurt I could never love again but I've come to realize that there is no possible way to be in love without being changed by the relationships we have.

Some of my post-relationship changes are more obvious than others - my hair being the most luminous change - but then there are changes in me that I've only since discovered from my interactions with other men. Changes that were inevitable yet frustrate me, because I can never revert back pre-Fatman Karen (we don't use his name). I have new fears that I never had, new things that I'll never do for a man, new standards, and a new bottom line. For instance, my view of men's capacity to abuse women was skewed so that for a good month every man was a woman beater, and for the first time in my life I was afraid of the idea of ever being a wife and mother.

After a relationship, change is unavoidable, which is why when any discussion of that mess of a relationship emerges, I tend to call it My Learning Experience. I have evolved into a more savvy and intelligent girl. Although, I think I've had somewhat of a summer of 79-like rebounding period, I think I'm ready for a man to change me for the better.

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