Wednesday, June 30, 2010
The other day I offered to do something nice for this boy I kind of like, but then I freaked out and changed my mind, called my best friend and asked, "is this okay. I'm I giving too much?" In my last relationship I was far too generous for an impossibly selfish man, but I'm typically a generous woman and daughter of an exceptionally generous dad. The people around me are generally appreciative, but in that relationship I had offered far too much of myself to be manipulated and misused.
At that moment I became angry, at the fact that my past relationship had managed to make its way into the present. I have always had the fear of being bitter, jaded, so hurt I could never love again but I've come to realize that there is no possible way to be in love without being changed by the relationships we have.
Some of my post-relationship changes are more obvious than others - my hair being the most luminous change - but then there are changes in me that I've only since discovered from my interactions with other men. Changes that were inevitable yet frustrate me, because I can never revert back pre-Fatman Karen (we don't use his name). I have new fears that I never had, new things that I'll never do for a man, new standards, and a new bottom line. For instance, my view of men's capacity to abuse women was skewed so that for a good month every man was a woman beater, and for the first time in my life I was afraid of the idea of ever being a wife and mother.
After a relationship, change is unavoidable, which is why when any discussion of that mess of a relationship emerges, I tend to call it My Learning Experience. I have evolved into a more savvy and intelligent girl. Although, I think I've had somewhat of a summer of 79-like rebounding period, I think I'm ready for a man to change me for the better.
I've been on sabbatical but I'm writing again. I can't wait to begin posting. This time around will be different. I will no longer be writing specifically about my relationships/sex because I don't want to jinx my gosh darn love life. However, I will start to feature more music/artist reviews, some of my fiction work, and my thoughts on the every day.
I found that while I whole heartedly enjoy being absolutely honest with you, it came at a price. I was easily taken advantage of. You all were privy to my desires and were given the formula to seduce me, so that I found myself being manipulated by some tricky tricky individuals, none of whom had my interest at heart. In short, being open with everybody makes a girl far too vulnerable.
My blog is, as always, for you to enjoy and for us to communicate and understand each other, so never hesitate to comment, challenge me praise me whatever dude.
I will also begin writing for the Morehouse Maroon Tiger, so don't be a square and pick that up this semester.