Friday, March 5, 2010

Intimacy Synthetic

Some people have sex to affect intimacy. I have long suspected, and now come to the full acceptance, that I often have sex to affect intimacy. I'm having a lonely spell, brought on in particular by the fact that I haven't had sex in nearly a month. A month is already a long time for me to go without sex, and I actually like this feeling. However, I also notice that my body still needs to be touched, and felt. I need to be held and caressed.

I'm currently listening to a one sad song on repeat. Geez, Karen, snap out of it.

You may not know but this monthmarks a lot for me. It marks the first anniversary of the blog. It marks the anniversary of my short hair cut. It also marks a new attitude about life that I had taken one year ago. I dumped the fat man in January and started fucking around immediately. I was sexually liberated, making up for lost time, enjoying more orgasms in the last year than the whole entire time with my ex-boyfriend (no shade?). I enjoyed my sexual activity, and have a short list of regrets - about 4 inches a piece, short. However, I've come to a point where I don't want to barter my pussy for a little cuddle time.

Boys, be honest. You don't like to just cuddle. You don't like to just relax. You don't like to just watch a movie. You don't like to just sit in a room together having a conversation. But these are things that women - or just I - need. The secret to dating is in these things here. Pay attention.

Dating doesn't happen in the formality of it all. First dates are like interviews, they're inauthentic and horrifying. You get to know someone through the way they interact: by listening to the way they talk to their mother, by how they command a group of people, by the way they conduct themselves in an assembly, by the way they leave you feeling even though they never even spoke to you. It is in a person's interactions that we come to meet them. Not, in that formal interview where two people sit across from each other asking mundane questions just to fill time. Dating is getting to understand someone, not through the identity they choose to present you, but with the one they haphazardly exude amongst their peers.

The problem with attending conservative single sex schools (as I do), is that most interaction between the genders is either highly formal or completely sexual. The only safe space for a woman entering the all-male space is in a class, a meeting, or with her gay friend. Otherwise, her interaction is expected to be sexual. Don't believe me? Why is it that every guy I ever chilled with asked me "why not" when I told them we weren't having sex (and this is before I became known as the sex-blogger). Experiences like those always end in frustration for me, because I should never have to justify why I'm not fucking.

My solution to this irksome situation is now to have people over the house. If I have a crush on a guy, I invite him to hang at the house with a bunch of friends. I create neutral environment, where I can witness his interaction with my friends as well as experience his personality. This is dating, to me. It's similar to the way parents would say, "bring him over, I want to meet him." You create a situation where there isn't that sexual tug of war, and you can see just what the boy is like.

I have yet to find a boyfriend, or even a "boo" type situation, and periodically I feel as though I need one. I know I don't, but I think you can understand the way it feels when your body craves the feeling of someone's heat beside you, your mind desires to solve someone else's problems, and your soul wishes to conjoin with that of another. What to do? Wait to find someone to hold you? Shack up with someone and beg him to stay the night? Convert to homosexuality?

I think there are many women like me, who are so frustrated by the absence of intimacy and sincerity, that we're willing to trade pussy for a little time in the presence of another body. Its a beautiful feeling waking up in someone else's bed, washing the scent of someone else from your body in someone else's shower.

What will little Karey do? I stroke my pussy, scroll through my phone and wish I had someone willing to cuddle. Truthfully, I did consider fucking someone tonight, just so I could sleep in his tiny twin dorm room bed, just so we could devise a plan to sneak me out when no one was looking, just for a moment of synthetic intimacy.

photo credit: Yijun Liao


  1. Anonymous3/06/2010

    This was extremely well written. Comming from the all male institution I feel as if our interactions with females do tend to be overly sexual but that it occurs from deprivation of attention from the fairer sex.

  2. "Boys, be honest. You don't like to just cuddle... But these are things that women - or just I - need."

    What a sexist load of crap! How is it that boys categorically “don’t like to just cuddle,” but women may or may not need it, on a case-by-case basis?

    "First dates are like interviews, they're inauthentic and horrifying... formal interview where two people sit across from each other asking mundane questions just to fill time."

    If that's what your dates are like, then you've had some pretty crappy experiences. But that is NOT how all dates go, and you shouldn't be so comfortable making blanket statements like that.

    The tone of this post makes it sound like you've been hanging out with a lot of jerks. It's not entirely surprising; I know that they're in no short supply at my alma mater. Nonetheless, it's unfair to cast dispersion on the entirety of the male sex over your crappy relationships.

    And it seems a bit unfair to demand intimacy and casual sex at the same time. There are definitely men who aren't entirely preoccupied with sex and will take the time to get to know you, but it doesn't really sound like you're setting yourself up to meet or attract them.

  3. Marshall, you don't seem to like me very much, and that's cool. I agree I've made some sweeping statements, but I'm sticking by them, because they are generalizations based on the experiences and input of many of my peers.

    I hate first dates and prefer less formal instances of getting to know a guy. That's a personal preference and no I haven't had many positive experiences with dates, though I've had a good few.

    As far as men are concerned, my guy friends are all wonderful individuals and I have a lot of them. And I actually am not referring to any crappy relationship in particular. Rather, I listen to a lot of people and I am drawing on both my dating/relationship experiences and those of my friends.

    I think you've assumed that I'm bitter and bitchy. I'm not, at all. I'm hopeful and not all of what I say is JUST me, I draw from the feelings and expressions of both my female and guy friends.

    I know men who love to cuddle, men who enjoy relaxing with a girl, but even you admit they are in short supply.

    Finally, to your statement that I'm not setting myself up to attract great guys. I don't need to attract a lot of great guys, how would I know which one is for me? I do, however, attract some amazing men and maybe I should write about that next. In fact, I will write about the men I've met. Will you read that post?

  4. Real men cuddle....just what my mamma told me, and I live by it. Can't say I agree with everything but Its definitely a great post that speaks your truth, I can appreciate that

  5. Anonymous10/02/2010

    Marshal is sorta wrong.
    When a man cuddles, it often turns him on eventually and leads to sexual intercourse.
    Sure, not all men are like that. But most are.


*leave one*